It's Dark In Here


A HOUSEWIFE TAKES A LOVER DURING THE DAY, WHILE HER HUSBAND IS AT WORK.

UNKNOWN TO HER, HER 9 YEAR OLD SON WAS HIDING IN THE CLOSET. HER HUSBAND CAME HOME UNEXPECTEDLY, SO SHE HID HER LOVER IN THE CLOSET. THE BOY NOW HAS COMPANY:

BOY: "IT'S DARK IN HERE."
MAN: "YES IT IS."
BOY: "I HAVE A BASEBALL."
MAN: "THAT'S NICE."
BOY: "WANT TO BUY IT?"
MAN: "NO, THANKS."
BOY: "MY DAD'S OUTSIDE."
MAN: "OK, HOW MUCH?"
BOY: "$250."
MAN: "FINE."

IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, IT HAPPENS AGAIN THAT THE BOY AND THE MOM'S LOVER ARE IN THE CLOSET TOGETHER.

BOY: "IT'S DARK IN HERE."
MAN: "YES IT IS."
BOY: "I HAVE A BASEBALL GLOVE."
MAN: "HOW MUCH?"
BOY: "$750."
MAN: "FINE."

A FEW DAYS LATER, THE FATHER SAYS TO THE BOY, "GRAB YOUR BAT AND YOUR GLOVE. LETS GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY SOME BASEBALL. THE BOY SAYS, "I CAN'T. I SOLD THEM." THE FATHER ASKS, "HOW MUCH DID YOU SELL THEM FOR?" THE SON SAYS, "$1,000."

THE FATHER SAYS, "THAT'S TERRIBLE TO OVERCHARGE YOUR FRIENDS LIKE THAT. THAT IS WAY MORE THAN THOSE TWO THING COST. I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU TO CHURCH AND MAKE YOU CONFESS."

THEY GO TO CHURCH AND THE FATHER ALERTS THE PRIEST, HE MAKES THE LITTLE BOY SIT IN THE CONFESSION BOOTH AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

THE BOYS SAYS: "IT'S DARK IN HERE."

THE PRIEST SAYS: "DON'T START THAT AGAIN."

"Kelly Clarkston's latest single was leaked onto the Internet. Two minutes and thirty-five seconds later, the Internet leaked it right back."
(Conan O'brian)

A stupid guy entered a building. He noticed a sign was posted reading "WET FLOOR". So he did.

"A. Big Ben, Wolfman Jack and the candidates' campaign promises.
"Q. Name a clock, a jock and a crock."
(Johnny Carson)

Clinical depression: a condition in which a medical patient reaches when he gets his hospital bill.

St. Peter is standing by the pearley gates of Heaven.
"What did you do on Earth" he asks a woman.
'I was a teacher" replies the woman.
"Okay, go right through those pearley gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a mailman."
"Okay, go right through those pearley gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a bandleader."
St. Peter sighs. "Okay, go around the back, up the frieght elevator, through the kitchen and then through the double doors to your left..."

Ed: I just got a package marked "C.O.D."
Ned: Sounds like somethin' fishy to me.

A lawyer and a priest both die on the same day and go to Heaven. The lawyer is directed to his room which is a fancy luxury suite--jacuzzi, cable TV, 24-hour room service, everything. The priest is directed to his room, which is a little room with a bed, a table and a window. The priest asks God, "I have served you my entire life! Why does the lawyer get the luxury suite and I only get this little room?" God replies, "Well, we get priests in here all the time, but this is the first lawyer we've ever had!"

I read a funny one on the "internets" the other day...

What Would Jesus Do?

Open a kosher deli in Queens.

The Bathtub Test

During a recent visit to mental asylum, I asked the Director how does he determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No,' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Sky- That's an oldie but a goodie.

'Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!

' On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

At least socialism would be a change from the fascism of the past 8 years,

God's Email


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and thought maybe he'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view.

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good."

God said this was not good.

So he decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
.
.
.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
.
.
.
Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

Wilma playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."


We walked to the next pen- the sign attached said: 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

She gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW.....That's more than twice a week!.........You could learn a lot from him."


We walked to the third pen. It had a sign attached that said: 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

Wilma was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, "That's once a day.....You could REALLY learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next
expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor
and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2009:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join
forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining will merge and become:
ZipAud! i DoD a .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and
become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become:
Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will
merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

TittyTittyBangBang (Yes thats actually the name of a new movie(in the new Release section)

I highly recomend it! If I was rating it I would give it 4 out of 5 boners. I own a copy, and would let anyone borrow it. The problem is,(sigh!) the cover is all sticky!

Buns of Steel- "Good porn is a terrible thing to waste."